Red Wings Offseason 2014

The goal: To remove dead weight and add a right handed defender.

The result: Re-signed Kyle Quincey and Dan Cleary

You can’t make this stuff up.

More to come shortly.

Finding someone to blame: the Caniac story

For years it was Paul Maurice and the puck-moving defensemen – most notably evil lazy cancer soft euro Joni “Pikitin” Pitkanen, who committed the cardinal sin of not having eyebrows and failing to make his third-pairing/AHL defense partners look competent – causing all the problems. If only the Hurricanes had a different coach and some gritty defensive defenseman who can hit and leadership (I’m now using “leadership” as a verb, deal with it), they would surely make the playoffs all the time, just like in the good old days of Peter Laviolette and Roddy Brind’amour.

Was clearly holding the Hurricanes back

Now they do. And they are still terrible. So what’s wrong the Hurricanes? The correct and therefore only acceptable answer is the disturbing lack of talent, but it’s a lot easier as a fan to accept the idea that your team is a coaching or captaincy change away from icing a competitive team than to recognize the obvious fact that the team has been mired in mediocrity for two decades due to incompetent management and is several players away from contending (and by “contending” I mean “being a good team”, not “being close to a playoff spot only because you are in an awful division and are good at losing in overtime”) .

The main thing lacking on the team – according to many fans – is leadershipping skillz (I am now just making up words, deal with it), most notably lacked by Eric Staal and possibly Jordan Staal, but certainly not Timmy Gleason because he’s ‘Murican and hits people. This is extremely evident in the team’s success since EStaalo took over compared to the unparalleled greatness of the WhalerCane franchise prior to his captaincy. Fearless Captain Roddy Brind’amour (aka best cap’n ever) led the Hurricanes to the playoffs two times in five seasons, winning the Cup and then helping them become the first team ever to miss the playoffs two consecutive seasons after winning the Cup, choking down the stretch in historic fashion not once but twice, then leading them to a franchise record fourteen-game winless streak that saw him stripped of his captaincy (nomination for worst word ever: “winless”; no, they lost every ****ing game). Eric Staal is presently 0-for-3 and probably heading for his fourth missed playoffs.

The two options proposed by fans are as follows: (1) strip him of his captaincy (2) trade him. Let’s see how this works out.

At 22, (Ron) Francis became one of the youngest captains in NHL history, but he was able to live up to the expectations of wearing the “C” without it affecting his play. He routinely scored 25 goals and 80 points, but midway through the 1990-91 season coach Rick Ley stripped him of the captaincy without an explanation. Francis took the demotion in stride, but just a few weeks later he was traded to one of the Stanley Cup favorites, the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Oh my, that sure didn’t turn out too good.

Francis would eventually return to the franchise seven years later, leadershippng the team to the playoffs two times in five seasons as Captain of the Hurricanes after making the playoffs every single year with the Penguins, which would seem to indicate that talent matters but I digress. After captaining the team to the Cup Finals, the team finished 30th in the league, which is the only reason why Eric Staal is a ‘Cane to begin with. This may seem “inconsistent” to you (one of the key criticisms of Eric Staal’s teams), but the Hurricanes had injuries. And it was Paul Maurice’s fault. Probably Joni Pitkanen’s, too.

Here are the point totals of the team since moving to Raleigh: 74, 86, 84, 88, 91, 61, 76, 112, 88, 92, 97, 80, 91, 82, 42 (48-game season). Looks like one really good season sandwiched in between two gigantic, mediocre bread slices (analogies aren’t my thing). If you were to show the average fan the team’s point totals and ask who captained which team, I’m pretty certain that we would find some rather interesting results. I think most fans would be shocked to learn that the Hurricanes had the same number of points in ’10-’11 as they did when they went to the Stanley Cup Finals (and yes, I’m aware that the shootout slightly inflates the record).

The reality is that the Hurricanes have four top six forwards, three top four defensemen (with no #1 no matter how hard fans fawn over Justin Faulk), a 6.7m goalie who has posted a well below league average sv% for two straight seasons (Eric Staal’s fault, I presume), the worst third line center in the NHL, and a defense that while gritty and good in the locker room is also slow as molasses and cannot pass, all combining to to produce a team that is bad at pretty much everything and is one of the worst possession teams in the league. These are problems. Problems that probably aren’t going to go away because they named a new captain or traded the current one, anymore than they went away when your previous favorite scapegoat got fired or traded or suffered a serious injury.

Tuomo Ruutu, top line savior

There’s been quite the buzz about the Hurricanes allegedly successful first line, currently comprised of Jeff Skinner, Eric Staal, and Tuomo Ruutu.

Carolina’s No. 1 line does not have a widely recognized nickname. Perhaps it should.

Center Eric Staal had a goal and two assists and left winger Jeff Skinner scored the go-ahead goal in the third period as the Hurricanes’ top line continued to pile up points in a 3-1 victory over the Phoenix Coyotes on Saturday.

Staal, Skinner and right winger Tuomo Ruutu have 33 points in 13 games since Skinner returned from an injury Nov. 21.

Let’s recap. Nathan Gerbe scored a goal while on the ice with Eric Staal and Justin Faulk (who was skating as a forward after coming out of the penalty box), Skinner scored a goal of a face-off win by Staal (in which Ruutu’s contribution consisted of looking at the puck), and then Eric scored an empty net goal while on the ice with Jordan Staal and Alex Semin. Credit the top line, though, because it’s a good storyline and you’re a lazy, useless writer (pot, kettle, black…).

If you look at all these goals and assists piled up by “the line”, you’ll find that Tuomo Ruutu is very often either (1) completely uninvolved in the play (2) off the ice entirely.

Of Eric Staal’s 18 points since November 21st, Ruutu picked up points on a whopping three of them. He was not at ice at all for 8 of them. Of the remaining seven, Ruutu has zero impact whatsoever on four of them, providing the screen on the other three. And I’m being generous here, crediting him for a screen when it could easily be argued that it was actually John Carlson screening his own goalie (and deflecting the puck into his own net).

Of Skinner’s 14 points in that span, Ruutu picked up points on three of them. He’s not on the ice at all for four of the points, and his contributions to the remaining seven are: providing a screen, providing a screen, doing nothing, doing nothing, raising his stick and directing Skinner to pass the puck to Sekera (Skinner ignored Ruutu and instead scored a goal), doing nothing and providing a screen.

Of the 37 points put up by the “line”, Ruutu has five of them. At even strength he has factored in (on the scoresheet or otherwise) on a whole four goals. In sixteen games. Four goals in sixteen games. Dominant top line material here. Jim Rutherford has almost certainly placed Ruutu on his untouchable list, along with basically every other player on the team. We like our group.

Hockey writers and fans alike seem to have an issue with understanding that coaches regularly use modified versions of lines during certain situations (powerplay, empty net, extra attacker) or can even use a player with neither of his linemates (see Staal’s shorthanded points) and that often many goals are scored during those situation. This problem seems to be especially apparent when there’s a generally useless “fan favorite” being featured on a line while an actual talented hockey player happens to be doing something, causing some to inappropriately shift the credit towards players who really don’t deserve it simply because they are likeable, gritty, good with the fans and a bunch of other nonsense that doesn’t really matter. Here was Luke DeCock, writing in the News & Observer in December of 2010:

After scoring a relatively tepid seven points in nine October games, Staal caught fire in November, particularly when placed on a line with Sergei Samsonov and Chad LaRose, finishing with 21 points in 15 games.

Do you know how many of those 21 points either Sergei Samsonov or Chad LaRose factored in on? Seven. Staal scored nine powerplay points in that stretch, with LaRose being on the bench for all but one of them and Samsonov on the ice for three. He had an additional two points on goals with the extra attacker, again with neither of his linemates on the ice. The line of Samsonov-Staal-LaRose was on the ice for all of three of Staal’s 21 points during that span, but unfortunately the exact opposite is conveyed by DeCock, most likely because he was probably too busy tweeting about some unwatchable college whatever-ball game to notice something happening in a Hurricanes game that for some unknown reason he is being paid to write about.

Samsonov, by the way, has yet to play a professional hockey game since that season, skating in his last game at age 32. LaRose lasted two more seasons in the NHL and is currently out of hockey at the age of 31. Eric Staal happens to be really good at hockey and put up points despite playing with these guys, much like he and Skinner are putting up points despite Ruutu being on their line.

The most inexperienced viewer of hockey could figure out what is going on here, but unfortunately we live in a world where terrible wastes of space like Ruutu and LaRose are hailed as gods by fans because of their “hard work” and held in a contrasting light to “lazy” but still way better players like Eric Staal. Two seasons ago, the Hurricanes iced a line of Derek Joslin, Tim Brent, and Anthony Stewart. This line was oh-so-cleverly dubbed the “Oreo Line” (a white guy centering two black guys…get it? ha! ha!) and all three were prolific tweeters, leading them to become an instant fan favorite line, despite constantly being scored against and geting hemmed in the defensive zone.

…All three are now out of the NHL.

Russians in the NHL

There’s been a sharp decline in the number of Russians playing in the NHL in recent years.  In 2001 there were 72 Russian players who played at least one game in the NHL.  Last year there were 28.  What many people immediately point to as the cause is the rise of the Kontinental Hockey League (KHL).  Former NHL superstar Ilya Kovalchuk retiring didn’t help matters in terms of public opinion, although it’s likely that Lou Lamoriello, the General Manager of the New Jersey Devils, breathed a private sigh of relief; the enormous cap recapture penalties that would have occurred had Kovalchuk played out most of his contract were effectively neutered by him retiring early.  Many times a player will fall in the draft due to the “Russian factor”.  Some GMs choose to avoid Russian players altogether.   But what’s really going on in regards to the substantial decrease of Russians playing in the NHL?

First, let’s take a look at the number of Russians drafted in recent years:

Year                                  Russians Drafted

2001	38
2002	33
2003	30
2004	20
2005	11
2006	15
2007	9
2008	9
2009	7
2010	8
2011	9
2012	12
2013	8

 

As you can see, the amount of Russians drafted has declined significantly since 2001.  This decline appeared to occur between 2001 and 2006.  It’s interesting to note that this is actually before the KHL was formed in 2008, and the amount of Russians drafted yearly has stayed fairly steady since 2007, albeit with one outlier in 2012.  Now, with such a significant reduction in the amount of Russian players being developed by NHL teams, it’s no surprise that the amount of Russians actually playing in the NHL would decrease as well.

The reason for this decline might be due to a number of reasons.   Perhaps it’s due to the investment in hockey development decreasing after the fall of the Soviet Union.  Perhaps it’s due to declining population.  But shocking as it may be, it doesn’t seem as though the KHL has played a factor.

For instance, last year, according to the IIHF, Russians made up 4.15% of all professional ice hockey players, and of skaters with at least 24 games played (and goalies with at least 10 starts) in the NHL, Russians made up 4.14% of the total.  So it seems the ratio between Russian ice hockey players and Russian NHLers is par for the course.

Furthermore, consider the odds a first round draft pick becomes a success.  One analysis puts the figure at a 42.3% chance a player in the first round becomes a top-6 forward, top-4 defenseman, or a starting goaltender.  Out of the Russian players drafted in the first round between 2002 and 2009, out of 14 Russians drafted, 7 might be considered successes: Kulikov, Varlamov, Ovechkin, Malkin, Semin, Kostitsyn, Babchuk.  That is, a 50% success rate, which is actually higher than that of the average drafted player.

So to conclude, while the total number of Russians in the NHL seems to have declined dramatically, the quality of those players who are drafted, and their likelihood of making the NHL, does not seem to be adversely affected by the rise of the KHL, likely because the vast majority of the KHL is populated by the equivalent of “career AHLers” or players in other European leagues, which doesn’t significantly affect the pool of NHL-calibre talent.  While there are some exceptions, such as well publicized examples of Kovalchuk or Radulov, as a whole Russia’s contribution to the NHL is no less disproportionate than that of other countries.

The Kids Are Alright in Pittsburgh

It’s something that Penguins fans haven’t seen for quite some time now- young players making an impact. Not since the times of Jordan Staal and Kris Letang breaking into the league has the team seen rookies establishing themselves as solid NHL players.  Olli Maatta, as a 19 year old, forced his way onto the team and out of a return to London in the OHL. His calm demeanor and reliability have kept him in the lineup for each game so far this year, and his confidence is growing with each one. His partner, Robert Bortuzzo, is also doing a solid job of earning himself a spot in the NHL. He’s big, he fights, he hits hard and he is smart. He and Maatta have made up the bottom pairing for Pittsburgh on many nights, and the result couldn’t be more encouraging for the Penguins.

Olli Maatta surprised many by making the team, and staying after his ELC kicked in.

Maatta, the 22nd overall pick in the 2012 draft, was considered a long shot to make the team out of camp, especially with the glut of already experienced defenseman on the team. Kris Letang, Brooks Orpik, Paul Martin, Rob Scuderi and Matt Niskanem are all on one-way contracts with solidified lineup spots. Deryk Engelland, Bortuzzo and Simon Despres were 3 more defenseman with significant NHL experience. So it is easy to see how sending him down could be justified and understandable. People were well aware of his skill, but it was thought that Ray Shero and management would do what they usually do with their prospects- give him time and let him develop through progression. Another year in the OHL, some time in the AHL and then an NHL callup was presumed to be the route Maatta would take. Well, all of that changed during training camp. Stellar play in preseason games earned him a tryout. It helps that one of the best skills he possesses is a good transition game- something head coach Dan Bylsma has emphasized in his time in Pittsburgh. He’s been one of Pittsburgh’s most consistent defenseman this year and has showed tons of promise in his short time in the league.

Recent call-ups Jayson Megna, Brian Gibbons and Zach Sill have also made their NHL debuts, and have all been impressive.  Gibbons scored in his first game and Megna got his first and an assist in his second game. Megna and Sill have seen extended time on the big club and have done quite well. Sill, a grinding bottom-6 player, has done everything you would expect of a fourth liner. He finishes checks, forechecks hard and has fought, holding his own. Megna has played many shifts with Evgeni Malkin and hasn’t looked out of place. His skill is evident and his motor is always running. An undrafted free agent out of Nebraska-Omaha, Megna spent all of last year in the AHL. He could be considered a late -bloomer, but he has certainly showed promise.

Beau Bennett, who made his NHL debut last year, is unfortunately battling the injury bug so far in 2013. When he has played, he does not look out of place at all in the top-6. Stronger than his stature may otherwise indicate, Bennett has no fears of going into rough areas and finishing checks. He’ll be relied on in the coming years to produce on either Malkin or Crosby’s wing.

It’s been a long time since so many young guys have made a good impact on the team, and Penguins fans should be excired about the future of the club.

 

The Hurricanes have a bad powerplay because they have bad powerplay players

When you get a chance [on the powerplay], the guys that are out there have to execute. If they can’t execute, then I guess we gotta start looking for other guys in our lineup–give them the opportunity. But at the end of the day, that’s all it is. Everyone runs the same plays. No different, one team from the other. It’s a matter of getting the job done, do it at a higher tempo, outworking the PK, and making your plays. I don’t know, maybe some of our guys can’t make the plays.” – Kirk Muller

After the Carolina Hurricanes’ 3-2 defeat to the Vancouver Canucks in which the ‘Canes turned in yet another pathetic showing on the powerplay, Kirk Muller went through the standard coaching/HFBoards poster rhetoric as to why his team didn’t perform: the powerplay failed because the team didn’t work hard, and if they start working hard then results are sure to come. It makes sense. No coach is going to come out to the press and say that his roster is trash. Yet after rattling off every cliche in the book, Muller finally broke down and came as close as a coach is going to get to acknowledging what should be abundantly clear to everyone by now: the Hurricanes lack the horses to have a good powerplay.

Who are the guys who “can’t make the plays”? Tuomo Ruutu has gone 42 straight games without registering a powerplay point. In his last 82 games, he has 1 goal and 1 assist on the powerplay. He played 6:19 on the powerplay against the Canucks. Justin Faulk has 1 PP goal and 6 PP assists in his last 82 games. His powerplay goal came playing as a forward on a 5-on-3, giving him 88 straight games without a 5-on-4 goal. He played 6:36 on the powerplay versus the Canucks. If these are the guys you are relying on to play big powerplay minutes, it should come of no surprise when you struggle.

Instead of going through everyone’s pathetic numbers, let’s just look at the players who saw at least four minutes on the powerplay during the game (in order of PP time): Justin Faulk, Eric Staal, Tuomo Ruutu, Jeff Skinner, Nathan Gerbe, Ryan Murphy, Jordan Staal, Jay Harrison, Mike Komisarek (wat).

Well, if that isn’t pretty much a laundry list of guys who “can’t make the plays.” The forward group consists almost entirely of glorified garbage goal scorers who are useless offensively outside of a small area around the net. Among the forwards there is a near complete lack of vision, creativity, playmaking ability or the ability to carry the puck into the zone and – as an added bonus – all of them shoot left. The pointmen inspire even less confidence–Murphy has great skating and puckhandling ability but struggles with utilizing teammates, while Faulk is as predictable as they come and Harrison-Komisarek is a sad abomination of a pairing. Combine all these factors and you get a lot of the following: failure to gain the zone, telegraphed “simple” passes to a player five feet away that do nothing to open up shooting lanes, a bunch of shots that get blocked or miss the net because there are no shooting lanes, and the Tuomo Ruutu special: turning the puck over when faced with the slightest amount of pressure.

It’s not as if all these guys are useless on the powerplay, but rather they need to be complemented by others with differing skillsets. A garbage goal scorer needs a shooter to get the puck on net. A shooter needs a playmaker to help open the lanes. Someone has to be able to gain the zone for any of this happen. The Hurricanes simply have too many similar players who don’t fit together and it’s going to be difficult to fix it overnight. Getting back Alexander Semin and Andrej Sekera will help, but the powerplay was still mostly terrible with them in the lineup. It’s no secret that Jim Rutherford is after a puckmoving defenseman, something that will help but is merely one piece of the puzzle.

Avs’ season so far

Usually the 20-game mark is considered a good time to look back and see how teams have done in the first quarter of the season. The Avs’ 16-5-0 record is good for fifth in the Western conference and third in the Central division. 

The Avalanche surprised everyone by starting the season with a six-game winning streak. After a 4-2 loss to the Detroit Red Wings in their seventh game the Avs got back to work and won another six games straight. Since they’ve been a rather unimpressive 4-4-0 and had a three-game losing streak going on before they beat Chicago 5-1.

Their goaltending has been superb to say the least, though not without some concerns regarding starter Semyon Varlamov’s recent personal issues. Backup J-S Giguere has been able to steal some games for the Avalanche as well, but is not ideal for the number 1 role anymore.

Getting back to the positives regarding the young season and the Colorado Avalanche, there have been huge changes in the attitude of the entire organization since Patrick Roy and Joe Sakic took over in the off-season. Roy has gotten the players more passionate and proud to be members of the Colorado Avalanche.

Patrick Roy has brought some much wanted passion to the Avalanche locker room and to the organization as a whole.

There were some concerns regarding Matt Duchene before the start of the shortened 2013 NHL season, seeing as how he struggled during the 2011-2012 campaign scoring only 14 goals and 28 points in 58 games. He seemed to bounce back last season with 17 goals and 43 points in 47 games. To start this season Duchene came out roaring. He currently has 12 goals and 20 points in 19 games for the Avalanche and leads the team in both categories. Duchene, currently sidelined due to an oblique injury, is expected to be back in the lineup soon with coach Duchene himself saying he needs a week. He is expected to return on November 27th against the St. Louis Blues.

The biggest positive surprise of the season has been the play of defenceman Andre Benoit, signed as a free agent by the Avalanche in the off-season. He leads the Avs’ defence in scoring with 11 points in 20 games, already surpassing his previous career high in points from last season when he had 10 points in 33 games with the Ottawa Senators.

The curious case of Alex Edler

After having gone through a five game losing streak, the Canucks are looking for answers.  A fair number of fans might point one of many fingers at defenseman Alexander Edler.

27 years old, recently inked to a 6 year $30m dollar contract, Edler’s offensive production has been absolutely putrid this season.  He is on pace for just 25 points, despite generally being considered a close to 50-point defenseman.   It’s as though every shot he takes finds ways to miss the net, either hitting opposing players or going high and wide.  The Canucks struggling power play hasn’t helped his point totals either.

But more is expected of him.   The Canucks are a team with no clear #1 defenseman, but if there’s any one player that could step up and assume that role, it should be Edler.  When he is on his game he is easily one of the league’s top defensemen.  In the past his play has been streaky, dominant one game and lethargic the next.  However the offensive game he used to bring is sorely missed.

It seems as though he’s compensated for that by playing a safe defensive game (with the glaring exception of the game against the Florida Panthers where the entire team disappointed), and in general he’s avoided making risky or bone headed plays that he displayed in the past.    But it seems that his commitment to keeping things simple in his own zone has neutered his dynamic offensive play.

27 is still young for a defenseman, especially one who only really broke into the league at 22.  Some future Hockey Hall of Fame defensemen like Chris Pronger or Zdeno Chara didn’t hit their prime until their thirties.  It’s certainly reasonable to expect Edler to continue to mature his game and try to find the perfect balance between making risky plays and keeping it safe, as well as refining other aspects of his game.  While of course it isn’t expected he become a Pronger or a Chara, he certainly has the potential to be a Norris Trophy winner if he manages to put it all together.

With a full no-trade clause in his contract he likely received in exchange for taking a discount (He might have easily gotten $6m per year on the open market rather than the $5m he got from Vancouver) it’s already unlikely he’s moved any time soon.  But even from a practical perspective, to give up on a relatively young core member with the potential to improve seems rather impulsive, as trading away the team’s leader in TOI as well as our leader in playoff goals over the past two years is not likely to improve the team either now or the future.

The 2013-14 Season to Date: Calamity, Burning Lakes of Fire and <2 Goals per Game

As I watched, I heard an eagle that was flying in midair call out in a loud voice: “Woe! Woe! Woe to the inhabitants of the earth, because of the trumpet blasts about to be sounded by the other three angels!”
– Revelation 8:13

It may not be the actual Apocalypse, but it’s not far off to the denizens of the Wells Fargo Center. All that’s missing are a horde of man-sized scorpion locusts and some CGI molten brimstone around the empty seats for that “eternal suffering” feel.

And with this latest burning-coals-in-the-eye-sockets traipse through a 3-0 loss to the Devils (how appropriate!), your Philadelphia Flyers are now 4-10-1 on this Dante-esque season. Inexplicably, they remain a point out of last place in the NHL. We can only believe the Sabres are actively shooting pucks into their own net or dressing the disabled on some sort of affirmative action program.

Breaking down what’s wrong with this team is like trying to autopsy a wood-chipper victim. The biggest fecal structure in this poo-brick village is, of course, the offense. On the very, very few occasions that a) a pass is completed, b) the puck is taken into the offensive zone and c) a player takes a quality shot that d) hits the net, they have zero luck whatsoever. The NHL record for fewest goals for in a season — I’m so glad you asked! — is 133, by the 1953–54 Chicago Blackhawks. Their season was 70 games. The Flyers are currently scoring at a pace of 1.47 goals per game. I believe there is a higher goal-scoring ratio by inebriated fans shooting at the puck-sized slot from centre ice. The Flyers’ current pace would play out to 121 goals over the full 82 spleen-mulching season. This is why we all need to establish a go-to designated driver immediately.

More broadly, there is no cohesion in any zone, and even the line changes look hesitant and risky. Defense is generally good until it isn’t, which is generally at the worst possible times. Ray Emery was solid, but any number after 1 in the goals-against column is becoming academic. Speaking of defense, we would like to tip our salary cap especially to Andrej Meszaros, with tonight’s goat-horned trifecta: he wasn’t satisfied to just be on the ice for the first goal, but then had to kick a feeble shot into his own net for the second goal, and execute a perfect pass to a mildly interested forechecking Jaromir Jagr for the last-second empty-net gift.

Bright spots on the evening include 0 Flyers injured (well, physically), Ray Emery not flattening Martin Brodeur with the folding chair while the ref’s back was turned, and … darn, I was sure there was a third one.

Will GM Paul Holmgren make another deal, go full fire-sale, announce his resignation, or rename the WFC Gog and Magog? Something’s gotta give, and it won’t be pretty when the figurative Seventh Seal is opened.

The Hurricanes are losing because Eric Staal is lazy and hates winning

Much reactionary diatribe has been spewed and many absurd trade proposals have been made in response to the Carolina Hurricanes’ slow start which has seen their highly compensated stars not produce up to expectations over a span of fifteen games. A season after the team finished 26th in the league despite Eric Staal producing over a point-per-game, the team’s failure this year is due to Eric Staal not producing and therefore being both a bad leader and lazy, according to ‘Canes fans who started watching hockey on or around June 19th, 2006. Clearly, the Hurricanes – who have iced a third stringer with a career save percentage of .897 for six straight games, have three third-pairing defensemen in the lineup every game, and give top nine minutes to the likes of Riley Nash, Patrick Dwyer, and the corpse of Tuomo Ruutu – boast talent that is virtually unrivaled across the league, with Eric Staal’s leadership the only thing holding them back from Multiple Stanley Cups™.

Eric Staal at peak effort level

…That and Alex Semin’s laziness, Jordan Staal’s laziness, and Jeff Skinner’s lazi—wait, sorry, I’m getting the narratives mixed up. It turns out that Jeff Skinner has magically morphed into a hard-working player full of talent a season after being an effortless, defensively incompetent one-trick pony destined to a career of .5PPG production and repeated concussions. Skinner’s turnaround has nothing do with bad luck turning into good luck, you see. Opposing goaltenders went from having a .951sv% with Skinner on the ice at 5-on-5 last year to a .867sv% this year because Skinner started trying. Meanwhile, those same goaltenders went from having a .883sv% with Eric Staal on the ice at 5-on-5 to a .946sv% because Eric Staal suddenly stopped trying because he hates winning.

It just so happens that the three regular forwards with the best Corsi ratings on the team are…Jordan Staal, Alex Semin, and Eric Staal. For those unfamiliar with Corsi, it aims to measure possession by counting shot attempts both for and against with that player on the ice. Alex Semin leads the team with a +48 shot attempt differential, while Jordan Staal sits at +31 and Eric Staal at +24 (all numbers are 5-on-5). Jordan’s numbers are particularly impressive when you consider that he has been tasked with playing against top lines (except for that one game when Kirk Muller lost his mind and matched Eric’s line against Steven Stamkos) and also takes a significant amount of defensive zone face-offs. The only other forwards with + Corsi ratings are Gerbe at +7 and Skinner/Malhotra, both at +5. Everybody else is in the minus, with the worst offender being Elias Lindholm at a disastrous -30.

Is it possible to be lazy while consistently tilting the ice against the other team? Maybe, but I’d argue that the puck simply isn’t going in. Yes, this sometimes happens. Shockingly, there may be an explanation other than a lack of effort for a top player not producing. Sooner or later, the Staals and Semin will snap out of their slump and the “laziness” narrative will undoubtedly replaced with something that manages to be even more sickening—god forbid that they start scoring with the recently recalled Chris Terry on their line and we have to read insipid “career minor-leaguer who works so hard sparks Hurricanes’ big guns” fluff pieces from the same guys who couldn’t stop slobbering over alleged Hurricanes player Mike Komisarek (who is probably dead for all we know) during the offseason. Just don’t expect the production from the top players to turn into wins, as the team will still be a disgusting train wreck full of glaring holes.